Hi

 Bismillah hirahman niraheem

Ok, I was actually typing in Wix.com but there is this stupid AI thing at the left margin that is annoying and there is no way to remove it cos it's like part of the site just like how AI is part of the whole world right now. Well, qiyamah

Anyway, I just want to start by reminding myself that I should feel free to type whatever I want because this is good for my mental wellbeing. Yes, because I dont mingle nor socialize so I have too many thoughts and feelings that I keep bottling up with no one to tell or talk to or bounce off my ideas with, and this will make me stressed and groggy

My insomnia is getting very bad and I have eyebags huge ones so I need to learn to relax and usually dhikr and prayer and reading the Quran will make me feel at peace but also I need to be practical and know that actually I do need to let off some steam and talk about my feelings, not pent them up because that just causes more stress

So, what am i thinking about that makes me stressed? 1 is the terrible management in my current workplace which is 7oaks preschool sister company of PPIS. Well, when I was applying for relief teaching jobs, I saw one called Brainy Bunch montessori which has the same vibe as the other malay muslim childcares like Zulfa, Iman, etc. which is that people are either like yes men who avoid conflict but end up gossiping about each other instead (which is not only haraam but also counter productive, which I absolutely hate) when things are counter productive and not forward progressing. come on, people need to learn to work together without all this nonsense. but of course working with people is the most difficult task, I would say in any industry. that's why we gotta have proper guidelines and rules to make things clearcut but of course in 7oaks that is not the case. they let people who are not effective in their jobs take control and then it will lead to the whole thing becoming so ineffective. like, they are such babies when it comes to running a company. they probably know it (half maybe) business side wise but in terms of everything else like people and behaviour management, theyre not at that level yet that i feel like i dont respect them.

at all

and this principal that i have, yes she has a lot of good points whereby she is chill but i also feel like she can be quite unprofessional. working with a whole group of emotionally-driven women is not a good idea, i would say. I mean, i wanted to work with women because i dont like my flirty side that comes out when i start mingling with men, because i tend to try to get their love, attention and affection cos i didnt get enough of that growing up but obviously that is not good for both my spiritual and professional front.

anyway, another thing that is bothering me is Ibraheem who did not contact me for the past 2 days. I feel like I have been neglected, abandoned and deserted. all of them, not just one. and that makes me feel unloved. I know that I only should rely on Allah to feel at peace and loved because everything that I have is from Allah and I am nothing without His help and mercy. but I do feel very sad when someone I thought or hoped would invest in me is not. what was I thinking talking to a guy living halfway across the globe who is 10 years younger than me. it's as if I didnt learn my lesson from the Saif saga.

It's crazy how much I exaggerate but at the same time my emotions tend to be very strong and flailing like a plastic bag in the whirlwind.

anyway, i feel very sad because I'm single and all the guys that I talk to online are not here in Singapore with me, those who are here are just looking for sex or are not commitable people or are not interesting to me. they can be pretty boring yeah. anyway, what else is on my mind.

for work, there is another thing which i find is so ridiculous. so the contract states that we have to work 42 hours in a week. and some weeks, especially when we do closing which is usually once a week, we are rostered to work an extra half an hour. so that half an hour can be used as Time Off (TO). so there is this TO sheet that we have to fill in to record all the times we worked over time (OT) and the times we claim that TO. there is a remarks column for the times we claim TO but i feel that i dont need to fill that in because it is MY RIGHT to claim that TO! I dont understand why I have to give a reason why I am claiming my right?! that's so ridiculous like why. come on. it's crazy. ms sharina told me i have to put something like "not feeling well" or "family emergency" which is gonna be a lie because the only reason I claim it is because that time is rightfully mine not to work

Some people may say that I'm being calculative but I feel like i'm here to work and I dont owe my workplace any explanation for taking what has been rightfully given to me at the time of the contract. 

Maybe I'm more suited to work for a chinese company that is more fair and also ' calculative' in this sense. It's crazy how malays are so unprofessional!

I really want to try to find a job in another country just to feel what it's like to work in other cultures. two things could arise from that, either I feel like the other culture's way of working is much better and relaxed and fair, so i wanna stay there or in comparison, singapore is still better and I come back. the issue is that I am a single mother. would i leave my child in singapore whilst I work in another country? or do bring her and separate here from her family here and struggle to care for here and work at the same time in a foreign land? what if I fall sick or she falls sick? would i have enough funds to get a nanny or the safety of sending here to a good day care?

so many factors to think about

I feel like my life has been this mentality of me just wanting to escape when I feel stressed about a situation or sad about it. like I wanted to leave my family house to get away from the toxicity but i end up creating and being a part of another toxic environment in my matrimonial house. then now i am divorced but still staying in this darn house, i want to escape and go to another country altogether. it's really tough.

sometimes i feel like I'm overy closed and negative minded, but also i feel like i just need to stop self isolating and learn to be less offended and sensitive when interacting with others. it could just be that i'm a spoilt brat,  or it could be that i have been hurt so many times that i dont even want to try anymore for fear of feeling the same way again from when i was a child as an adult now. 

but i really need to get over this inner child syndrome that i have and just grow up and move on with my life. sure, i'm not perfect and i have many issues that i need to constantly get over, be aware and deal with when it comes to my interaction with others (which i have currently labelled as social anxiety cos i dont know what else to call it).

it could be the fact that maybe i just dont like and love myself. which is sad but could be true. i do like some things about myself, but i know for sure that there are many things i dont really like to think about when it comes to my characteristics and behaviours. and how i handle conflicts or challenges in my life

I really feel so stuck and stunted and I am blocking my own sunshine with all these "I cant do it" ideas that fill my head. yes, I am somewhat being responsible by staying with my child in this house instead of just picking up all my stuff and running away with some man (or alone i guess) to another country. which I could totally do and do think about more often than I should. but khai is not exactly an examplary father which i would feel safe leaving hidayah with. really. i feel already anxious and worried when we do eventually sell the house and move out to our separate homes and when she goes to stay with him (since we have joint custody, he can take him for a week then me etc) because I then wont see what happens between them behind closed doors. he could get angry, annoyed, etc. and me being fierce and strict with ida at times, and of course cranky angry when i am sleepy, tired or hungry, she might not be willing to tell me things that they do in his house and also the whole story about why they fight and argue etc.

sigh, i really feel so worried about her when she is with him.

stressed.

Allah's plan is the best and He is the Best of Planners, His timing and Perfect and He is Most Loving, Most Merciful. 

I do my best as a muslim and inshaAllah with His guidance, I will never stop repenting. And I pray that whatever comes my way are opportunities for me to better myself as a muslim, as a mother, as a daughter, as a sister, as a woman.

I'm so sad. I feel so alone. I feel like nobody actually likes me and if they like me, it's cos they want sex in return.

I just want to feel at peace and happy again. 

I dont remember when I last felt happy

My mind is clouded with worry and anxiety and feelings of being depressed and loneliness.

I feel so overwhelmed about everything. and when people dont understand my plight, that's what makes it more lonely and i feel so far and estranged from everyone else.

a part of me thinks that I'm just trying to gain pity or get attention and affection and love from people by acting up and ' pretending ' to be unwell etc. but deep down I know I am actually just sad and depressed and negative thinking.

i feel like i've failed so many relationships that i dont even know what to do with myself anymore. do i try and be more confident with people only for them to gossip about me and not like what i say anyway? should i be so thick skinned about it? or should i just keep to myself pleasantly or keep to myself angstily?

am i a teenager still?

i dont know.

it sucks when i dont have friends to talk to about these things but it is my choice. because technically, i can put in the effort or invest in the friends that i have, but i always feel like i cant trust them

because i either dont like somethings about them or that i cant forgive them for some of the betrayal that they've done to me in the past

ain, if Allah the Al-Mighty can forgive us humans, who are we to not forgive each other?

who am I

a question that i've asked myself 15 years ago

and i still ask this now?

I am a mother

I am a divorcee

I am a preschool teacher (do I want to continue to be?)

I am a woman

I am single

I should be grateful and happy

I do feel better after typing this post and listening to myself read as I'm typing. 

Thankyou blogger, for not having AI bothering me when I'm typing.

Bye

Love you, Ain

I am already doing my best.

Alhamdulillah